By Joe Mansfield
Marital Expectations
Marriage Nightmare
The Masked Man
Finding A New Love
How To Talk To Women
Why Men Need Male Friends
Husbands & Other Villains
Little Jester (poem)
One Of the Boys
He's Hopeless

Other articles
That Man Is a Success
A Good Marriage
10 Stupid Things Men Do
To Let Go
Commitment
Assertive Bill Of Rights
Snow Child (poem)
A Visit To The Guru (humor)

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FINDING A NEW LOVE

The main two questions you must ask yourself before you start this process are:

1. What is my specific intention?

What is the need that you are trying to fulfill by seeking a new love? The more vague your answer, the higher the chances that you are courting heartache and disaster. Where we get into trouble in this process is when we meet a woman who captures our fancy and we blunder ahead without awareness or direction.

2. How do I choose a healthy and suitable woman?

Once you get clarity about the type of relationship you desire, then the real work begins. To be successful in finding a healthy and suitable partner requires us to have full awareness of two separate mental and emotional abilities: First, there is emotional and physical attraction. We're generally quite good at that! But, men who find themselves in this condition, far too often aren't able to stay active with the second necessary ability---which is staying in touch with the rational and logical mind that can save our hearts and self esteem from a painful disaster. By this I mean, men are biologically set up to fall for a woman so deeply and completely, that their hearts and certain other organs become tunnel visioned and can't be in love and simultaneously have a reality check as to the woman's true character and long term potential.

Here's how I'd advise you to seek a new partner:

Develop the awareness and discipline to use both feelings and rationality simultaneously. For example, think of Pilot School. To pass Pilot School, you must master the two major skills--Take Off and Landing. If you feel a strong attraction for a woman, slow the process down to the extent that you can keep your rational mind in gear! Don't fall for a flight of fancy with a woman unless you really, really know that her character and suitability predict success for where you need the situation to end up.

By now, you might be feeling that this process is too cerebral and clinical. No way Jose'! Just look at the statistics of marriages in America-- the fact that more than 1/2 of marriages end on the junk pile of Divorce, and that so many kids get emotionally trashed in the process. No, my suggested process is designed to avoid the usual catastrophes and to lead you to the absolute "Best Game in Town".

The "Best Game in Town"  for most people,  is a loving, shared life with a good person with the necessary abilities and attributes for forever love. We do "Romance" far too freely and thoughtlessly in America. Most of our music, novels and movies have brainwashed us into expecting the impossible from Romance.

SOME GUIDELINES FOR SEEKING A SUITABLE WOMAN

1. Accept that it can easily take up to three months to make a clear determination of a woman's suitability as a long range partner. Don't be afraid to keep the "Polka dots & Moonbeam" behavior under control during this period. This may sound callous or unrealistic, just bear in mind that your goal isn't to just fall in love but to find a long term life love partner. Trust me on this, if you jump on the escalator of sexuality too soon, your brain may never get in gear until it's too late.

2. Be on the lookout on certain warning signs that will be tip offs predicting ultimate disaster for your relationship. Among these are: Any addictions- alcohol, nicotine, food, spending etc. **A good rule of thumb can be "Will this behavior reduce the quality of our relationship if it never improves. DON'T take a woman on as a "fixer upper"--just take the attitude of "What I see might be what I'll ultimately get forever".

Closely observe the quality of her personal and family relationships. Look for a woman with a multitude of close healthy relationships. Moreover, watch her mother and sisters in action. If the family tradition is one of constant acting out, explosiveness or many cool emotional cut offs, then you have strong reason for worry.

Avoid "rebound" relationships. By this I mean ,if you or she have not totally ended and grieved the loss of their most recent relationship, you are headed for disaster. These relationships generally have the shelf life of an orchard! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, go near a married woman who claims to be separated and waiting for her husband to agree to the divorce. There is a necessary post divorce grieving period that must be gone through. A rule of thumb says that it must be a minimum of one month for every year that they were a couple.

Beyond that, if the woman has children, you must find out whether your couple can "stay in love" if a disruptive stepkid in causing friction between you and your lady. Don't minimize the strong negative impact that step children can cause. This can be worsened if your partner's ex is a moron or remarries a trouble making flake. Talk about cerebral succotash!

Stay close to home and with your equals. History has shown that many similarities improve a couple's chances for success. Beware of on-line connections. 

Don't go out with women that you feel are a mistake. Don't do it out of emptiness or to just bide your time until someone better comes along.

Finally, please forgive this final analogy, because I know it might seen crass. But imagine that God came to you and said that he had decided that you would be allowed to choose and have only one used car that had to last for the rest of your life! Just imagine how careful you'd be in making your choice. You'd check out each car's history, reputation, potential longevity etc. So, why don't we take such care in choosing a potential life partner? See the point. You deserve a healthy and emotionally balanced partner. This is especially true if you hope to have children! 

You and your spouse will be role models for the children. You'll be teaching 2 Major Subjects within the school of your home: INTIMACY 101 and SELF ESTEEM 101. Not only for your own sake but for your potential kid's sake, do the required work to find a healthy partner for the long haul. 

In my opinion, there is nothing more worthy as two well meaning people building a healthy life together and inspiring their kids to grow up and do the same thing.

 

 





 

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